grandma shit on top of the toilet
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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