If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
