I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
