she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
