A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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