Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
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