Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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