I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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