If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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