Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
