My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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