he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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