Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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