just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
