So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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