man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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