I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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