He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
