you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
