Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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