it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
