Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
