and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
