my mouth tastes like poor choices
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Come on in and take your pants off
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