Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
