Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize