Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
