You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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