At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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