I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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