My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
