soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
