But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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