Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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