Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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