my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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