Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
