This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize