So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
