Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
