Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think i got beer on your cat.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize