I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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