Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
