it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
