She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
