when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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