I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
