At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
