I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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