burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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