FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
