Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
