i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
