This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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