Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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