can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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