1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
