I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
