I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
