Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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